


Happiness

by Kurobara



Series: Tragedies are created by men. [4]
Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Interchanging events, Steph and Tim never got together here, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-27
Updated: 2019-05-27
Packaged: 2020-03-20 06:28:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18987130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kurobara/pseuds/Kurobara
Summary: What is happiness when all you've ever felt was sadness?





	Happiness

Tim has known since he was able to know what depression and anxiety was that he was prone to both. He's had these periods of sadness when he was a toddler where he just felt so down and lonely, like in any minute he would find himself crying without any reason but he couldn't because if his parent saw him he'll be reprimanded because there was nothing to cry about and he was a boy, boys don't cry, or if he's parents aren't there then the help will tell them. He learned how to repress his emotion early because of that, hide his extremely uncontrollable emotions and show the perfect son every parents wish for. He's had anxiety attacks since he was a child too, and like his depression he didn't know what it was until later in his life because it wasn't like how they describe it in the movies, his attacks weren't panicked, it was quiet, quiet with this ever present sense of impending doom right behind him, surrounding him, it paralyzes him. Tim can't quite decide if that's a good thing or not, good because it doesn't show so no one would judge him and he could just barrel though it and act normal and no one would know better? Bad because, well, it doesn't show and no one would know that he's breaking apart inside and he feels like drowning, that sometimes he would prefer drowning than this?  
It wasn't all sad of course, his childhood, there were times of fleeting happiness too. Whenever his parents would come home and just be with him, talk, eat, and actually try to bond with him. Whenever he sees batman on the news or television, because he's so cool and he's protecting Tim, Tim's parents, and all of Gotham! Whenever he accomplishes something he really wants, a science experiment, a test he aces. Whenever his Nanny, Miss Mac, would let herself be close with Tim and be brave enough to break his parents rule of not getting too attached to Tim, she would teach him how to cook those easy to cook food because sometimes Miss Mac isn't there and Tim is alone o he could feed himself, she would teach him how to knit and they even knitted Tim's Batman and Robin sweater. But those moments are fleeting, like seeing a shooting start during a stormy night.  
He's living his life with long periods of depression and anxiety and brief moments of happiness that sadness became normal, depression became his stasis and happiness is an abnormality. Tim is a strong boy though, he lived his life, it isn’t matter that he feels nothing while living, its already an accomplishment just doing all this daily task he had assigned himself, going to school, be the best at it, go home, be a good boy, follow Batman and Robin, take some pictures. He was alright with that because he doesn't know better.  
____________________________________________

"Oh God, Tim!" Alfred knelt, staining his slacks with watered blood, he draining the tub and pressed a towel to Tim’s mutilated arms. "Timothy! Timothy. Open your eyes, son!" he slapped his the teens pale cheer, nothing.  
"MASTER BRUCE!!!"  
Hurried footfalls are heard just outside the room before the doors burst open, Bruce and Jason came in. "Alfred, what happened?" Jason asks, just behind Bruce who stood frozen at the door way, his broad shoulders sparing Jason the bloody view. "Bruce, come on, let me see. Where's Tim?"  
Finally Bruce stepped through, face almost as pale as Tim’s, going straight for the cabinet to find a first aid kit, and exchanging positions with Alfred who's trying to stop Tim's bleeding. Jason was beside him taking Tim's other hand, asking questions Bruce doesn't hear. All of their hands are shaking.  
"Why did this happen?" Jason mutters. "Todays was so good. We were just at the zoo. We were just.... weren’t we happy?" He's eyes are glassy, like crystal glasses holding too much water, about to spill. "Today was good. It was... good." His voice cracks and Jason bit his lips.  
Bruce should be ordering Jason to call the ambulance, but it didn't occur to him, he just kept on looking at Tim. Tim's closed eyes, he can't seem to remember when he had looked Tim directly in the eyes. Tim's cheers, they look so hollow, has he been eating well? Why can't he remember when he had asked his third son about his meals or about his day in general? Tim's hair, it had gotten so long. Tim's lips, so chapped and dry, dead skin is still visible even though he's been soaked. All this new things about Tim, these new information. How had Bruce not seen these? Has he been this ignorant and neglectful of his own son, that he didn't notice this would have happened? He thought that living Tim alone was a good idea, has he made an irreversible mistake again?  
Another series of footfalls are heard out the room, Dick and Damian entered.  
"TIM!"  
____________________________________________

Later in his preteen years when he was following Batman and the first Robin and then second Robin, Tim realize it’s not just depression and anxiety he's dealing with. He has a tendency to self-destruct, self-harm, also unlike what the movies portrait, he never cut himself, it was self-harm in the form of not eating, not sleeping, and drowning himself in work he though was more important than his health. Him following Batman and Robin sometimes involve risks, he fell from a fire exit more than he could count ending up in broken or sprained bones but the next day he would go to school without treatment, he almost got stabbed about four times, luckily he was good at avoiding blades and knives, but he never cared because he needed to take pictures of Batman and Robin, to know what they were doing, to immortalize them through his photos! Surely that was more important.  
Tim was made aware of his tendencies not because he almost died, no, that happened way too many times now. It was because read it on a book, a book about a person the same as he was, so the same it was creepy but also fascinating, so he read it. When he realized how accurate the book was and that, yes Tim, you are suicidal and self-destructive even though you didn't know it, he had an anxiety attack. It wasn't as subtle as any of his attack, this time it was a full on body freezing followed by shaking so violent his feet gave out of him. It was so mind bugling, the realization that you are killing yourself and you didn't even know it, how you yourself unconsciously consider yourself not worthy of your own life, in just a snap everything tilted sideways and you were left flopping around trying to find which direction you were going at first. By this time Tim was the best at compartmentalizing though, so after a night, he was able to push the realization at the back of his mind and continue on. It's unhealthy, he wasn't aware of it at that time, and as he had just realized he has self-destructive tendencies so what would anyone expect him to do? He had no guidance, what with his absent parents, distant caretakers, and two idols who don’t know he exists.  
___________________________________________  
"Master Damian, please get me more towels." Alfred ordered, after bandaging both of Tim's arms, a bit more composed now, mind going through all the things he need to do and is needed to be done. "Master, Bruce please carry Master Tim out, Master Jason please ready the car."  
Damian handed Alfred the towels, which the butler immediately covered Tim with to be carried by Bruce. Bruce with Jason, tears now running down his cheeks, walked out of the bathroom. Dick is standing to the side, holding himself, unable to look at Tim. "Master Dick, help me prepare some clothes for the hospital, you too, Master Damian."  
Dick nods, hurrying away, glad to do something to distract himself from the image of Tim. Damian is right beside him. They took out a back and stuffed it with Tim’s clothes. They moved to the next room for Jason’s clothes, and so on until they have clothes for all of them. Bruce and Jason has long gone to the hospital, so Alfred took another car for them to ride there. Dick feels numb, like his heart isn't there anymore, he feels so empty. He can't bare seeing one of his family like that. It's too painful, and now everything is just too quiet. He wants to cry but nothing comes out, not his voice, not his tears, nothing. GOD!  
Damian inched towards his brother and took his hand. "He'll be alright, Dick." The youngest assured. Eyes fierce as always, looking Dick straight in the eye and willing him to believe. They can't afford not to otherwise.  
Dick feels stupid, being comforted by his younger brother. FUCK!  
"You are right, Master Damian. Timothy is a strong, boy, he will survive. All we need to do is have faith in him and the doctor." Alfred reinforced, though his hands are stick shaking.  
"Y-" Dick tries, he's voice sound so high, his throat constricting too tightly for anything to come out right. He cleared his throat. "Yes. He'll be OK."  
___________________________________________  
The death of the second Robin intensified all of Tim's quirks, he's depression became crippling, more crippling than it already was, his anxiety isn't so quiet anymore, because he faints every time it happens now, his self-destruction actually turned to self-harm because yes he does feel sadness, so much of it that he can't feel anything else he just want to feel something else! Anything else! Robin died! Jason died! He didn't deserve that! He was good, so good! There are other people that deserve death more than Jason, why can't it be them?! Tim doesn't want his life. Why can't it be him, instead of Jason? Tim has done nothing to help anyone. Why does it have to be Jason? For months Tim walked the streets in limbo, not really there but existing none the less, alive in all was but actually living. Until his ever efficient skills in compartmentalising sets in and he made a plan to hunt the next Robin, just because he was depressed doesn't notice how Batman's doing the same thing. And Tim doesn't want that, Batman is supposed to be good, his and Robins goodness had kept Tim alive for so long Tim can't let him let go of that goodness, so he's giving Batman a new Robin. (No one can replace Jason)  
He's being Robin was a total shock; he didn't expect his plan to work and was even prepared to hunt down a replacement Robin to Jason, himself. It did good things though, he was relatively less depressed when he was interacting with Alfred and Bruce, more Alfred than Bruce, because he was still hurting and doesn't know what to do with his feelings, Tim understands because he doesn't know how to deal with his feelings too.  
Those moments where the greatest times of his life, when he was Robin, when he was with Alfred, Bruce and the Titans. He had friends, a brother who wants to be with him, a fathers who's always there even though Bruce still hurts, a grandfather who makes the greatest food Tim's ever had.  
___________________________________________  
Bruce and Jason are sitting on the plastic armchairs outside the emergency room when Alfred, Dick and Damian arrived. The two of them look haggard, hair in every direction for the times their hands ran through it. Jason’s eyes are red rimmed but there's no more tears, he's looking at the ER sign above the swing doors, he doesn't seem to be seeing anything with how blank his face is and how his body is sprawled on the chair, like a puppet with its stings cut. Bruce on the other hand is ram rod tense, jaws tight, knuckles popping on his clenched hands. The both of them doesn't realize that Alfred and the others have arrived.  
Alfred went ahead and sat down besides Jason. "How is he?"  
Dick and Damian followed his example, sitting beside Bruce and staying quiet.  
A pause, Jason's lips started quivering. "Nnnn..."  
Alfred isn't so shocked with how emotional Jason with this is, out of all his charges he is the softest even though he have such a hard edgy exterior. He was expecting Dick to cry his eyes out, but he hasn't so far. Damian doesn't seem that affected, reasonable since him and Tim aren't that close in the first place, but this environment must be affecting him in some ways. Well, Alfred just has to do his best to comfort them all, right when Master Tim is alright, because he will be.  
Bruce stood and paced. "Nothing." He inhale harshly, and pushed the air out just as hard.  
"They won't say anything." He growled, like some feral animal.  
"Then, we wait until they have updates." 

It seemed like eternity before the doors finally opens and the doctors and nurses came out. One of them approached the Wayne’s.  
"How is he?" Bruce demanded, crossing his arms. They all stood and looked expectantly at the doctor.  
"He is stable. We have pumped all the pills out, stitched his wound and transfused some blood."  
A united breath was let out, relieved their not losing Tim.  
"And?"  
"He is well and will recover. He needs rest and nutrition, so we gave him an IV drip. He aren't sure when he will wake up yet, though." Then the doctor walked away, leaving them all standing there.  
"Oh, God." Dick muttered, sniffed and turned to hug Damian, bawling his eyes out.  
"Grayson, unhand me!"  
___________________________________________  
Of course like all things, everything crumbled down to pieces. Redhood appeared, targeting Tim, opening up new wounds and memories of Jason. Tim's parents dies, his mother first, then his father. It didn't hurt so much, Tim could have carried on. He has good compartmentalization and repression skills made even better by bat training. But then all of his friend die, one by one, right on front of him. Dick and Steph pretended to die, which is even worse, because how dare they play with Tim's emotions? The least they could do was tell him, and not keep him in the dark! Tim is already chipping away bit by bit and they add to all the knives hitting at his brittle emotional state. Then Bruce died, almost driving Tim crazy with grief, then Dick took away Robin, the only thing connecting him to Jason, the person he was so attached to even though they have never really met. Yes, Jason is there, he's Redhood now, he's a different Jason from the second Robin. Tim's favoured Robin. And Dick accusing him of being crazy and sending him to Arkham. Tim isn't crazy! He almost is but not yet! NO! Bruce is alive and Tim will prove it!  
And he had, with sacrifice and a hope dashed into the concrete when Bruce didn't want him either.  
[I should just accept that I'm not meant for this..... Whatever this is....]  
[What is happiness anyway?]  
.  
.  
.  
See, Tim has accepted for a long time now that he isn't acceptable, no matter what he does. He tried his best to his parents, he was a good son, in every way possible. He was a good friend, he couldn't help but please the people he love. He tried to be the best Robin, even imitated Jason in any ways he can just to be accepted by Bruce and Dick. He tried to be everything that everyone ever wanted for him. He just wanted to belong somewhere, to someone, to not be alone anymore. He just wanted to have happiness and for that happiness to not be taken away from him.  
[Don't be stupid, you can't expect to have that, when everyone's already left you.]


End file.
